Shifting to Facebook (8/13/09)

Most of you may have noticed that there haven't been many articles posted on here lately. To answer that I'll tell you that I have, for the most part, shifted entirely to Facebook. Now to the left you can see my Facebook updates where you can read my articles. Sorry to let down many of my fans who checked on to this page everyday. However, if you truly are a fan of mine then you should become a fan of me on Facebook and read the articles I post there.

Last year we saw quite a stir up in where the teams finished at the end of the year. Some of the elite squads from years passed struggled to find wins on the short 12 game season, and some of those squads failed to make the playoffs. We also saw some Cinderella story teams make it to the playoffs; teams that wouldn’t have been in the running at all before hand.

Lets do our analysis of the teams for this year’s season based on where they finished last year:

Series of Unfortunate Events
Last year: (12,0) (1st place)
SOUE is a tough team to play. Led by powerhouse quarterback, Count Olaf, and top notch wide receiver Oliver Wood, its almost certain that this team will replicate their performance of last year. 12-0 is a tough record to finish the season with, and I don’t think that SOUE will be able to go undefeated in the regular season for back-to-back years. The Aquaboggan coin should be used with SOUE this year, to make all things fair.
Predicted: (10,2)

Andy Griffiths
Last year: (8,4) (2nd place)
Looking back on the record of the second place team, SOUE really smoked the league. The Andy Griffiths were the story of last year. In their first year of football play, everyone counted them out of it. I remember calling them a basketball team, and not a football team, and that came back to bite me in the butt. This is a tough team to place where they will finish this year, because to me they seem like a 2007 Rockies team. They’ll make it to the World Series, but the next year they’ll choke. I’d love to see the Griffiths evolve to a championship caliber team but I don’t see it this year.
Predicted: (7,5)

Garden State Plant Cells
Last year: (8,4) (3rd place)
The Garden State Plant Cells have a lot on their plate this October. Its not just football for them. Members of the football team are also members of their movie productions company, Plant Cell Productions. Over that October weekend stretch, filming for one of their movies will take place, possibly distracting some of the players. Players will also be taking part in a movie awards ceremony, that could be another distraction. Obviously the Plant Cells will have a lot on their mind, and that could be really stressful for the team. However, they are the Plant Cells and they always seem to squeak out some wins.
Predicted: (8,4)

Turkey Turkeys
Last year: (8,4) (4th place)
Jack Sparrow helped bring this team back into the playoffs last year with help from their star-studded wide receiver core in Uncle Junk, Kazaam, and Baloo. The Turkeys made a quick departure from the playoffs however losing in the first round. They are an off and on team, and this 2009 season, will most likely be an off year. Expect to see a lot from Sparrow, but also expect a troublesome year for his wide receives, as the Turkeys miss out on the playoffs.
Predicted: (5,7)

Russia Miracle
Last year: (7,5) (5th place)
The Miracle were another one of those Cinderella teams. Nobody expected much from them, but come game time they really produced earning themselves a trip to the playoffs. The Miracle aren’t blessed with the greatest athletes on their team, making them a liability to fail to replicate last year’s performance. Don’t expect an awful lot from the Miracle this year, as it will take a miracle to put them into the playoffs this year.
Predicted: (4,8)

Hogwarts
Last year: (6,6) (6th place)
Hogwarts is one of those powerhouse teams. Last year they struggled finishing the season with a .500 record. One of the biggest surprises was that they were shut out by the Cells in their home opener to start the season. Seamus Finnigan (QB) won Rookie of the Year, and now with one year under his belt he’s looking to step it up even more to bring home a championship to one of the winningest programs over the last couple of years (all sports included).
Predicted: (10,2)

Afghanistan Terrorists
Last year: (5,4) (7th place)
What a disappointment for this juggernaut Terrorists team last year. Failing to make the playoffs is unheard of for this group of guys. Finishing a game below .500 is unexceptable, and you can be sure that the players heard an earful from the coach, and front office about their performance. Expect big things (baby) from this Terrorists team for this upcoming season. Watch out for a possible flirtation with undefeatedness, to make up for last year.
Predicted: (12,0)

Hundred Acre Wood
Last year: (4-8) (8th place)
HAW was expected to do great things last year. But their season started slowly and never really got going. A big crusher was their long overtime loss to the cells in game 3. After that loss, things really didn’t pick up for this team. This year, they are down a wide receiver, with Tigger being traded to the Cells. With the loss of Tigger, his replacement Owl, better step it up for him, if this team wants to find success. Though I think they’ll fall short again.
Predicted: (6,6)

Florida Evil Clowns
Last year: (4,8) (9th place)
For years this Evil Clowns team has been the laughing stock of the league. However, something inside me tells me that’ll change this year. One year ago they had the worst receiver core in the league (33rd, 35th, and 36th ranked WRs, out of a total of 36 WRs in league). However, the wide receiver coach stepped up his game this offseason, and the Evil Clowns spent a lot of money on their new state of the art workout facility located in Boca Raton.
Predicted: (8,4)

Vancouver Poop
Last year: (4,8) (10th place)
The Poop have struggled since their first season in the league. Don’t expect much to change this year either. The team has done nothing to better themselves for winning football games. With Ice Cube, one of their receivers, fighting with the front office over the offseason, things will be strained on the field. Buzz Lightyear will struggle to find open receivers, as the WRs speed is low, and route-running ability is horrendous.
Predicted: (1,11)

Vermont Tigers
Last year: (3,9) (11th place)
Looking at the Tigers roster, they are not a good team. Led by Bernard, a mediocre QB with a lackluster group of wide receivers (Vince LaSalle, Vin Deisel, and Russ), things don’t look to be improving for this struggling organization, that isn’t really generated enough revenue in their sporting events to keep their organization alive. Rumors are beginning that team might be moving soon, if things don’t pick up for the team.
Predicted: (2,10)

France Cartmen
Last year: (3,9) (12th place)
I’m comparing this Cartmen team of this year, to the Russia Miracle team of last year. I think this team will have some divine help this season, as they witness their first playoff games (and yes there is an “s” on the end of that). Eric Cartmen has bonded and produced a significant amount of chemistry between himself and his receivers (Josh Nichols, Drake Bell, and Max Goof) for this upcoming season. The Cartmen will shock the league and the world this October.
Predicted: (9,3)

After almost one year since the death of Plant Cell basketball player Hogarth Hughes, horrific images of the hated Cells dead body have been leaked on to the internet. However, it is not the fact that the photos have emerged that is making the biggest talk.

In all the photos, it is noticeable that Hughes' body is in a snow covered field (most likely not in the New Jersey area). Researchers have made the best guess that the body was in a field in neighboring state, Pennsylvania. However, since his body was not in his apartment where he was shot someone must have moved him. Many of you are probably expecting a huge story to evolve from this but let me tell you, it is pretty simple what happened.

The truth of the matter is that Kent Mansley failed to tell fellow colleague Bob Buckner, that once he was through with the shooting process of Hogarth (which was one shot to the left part of the forehead), he moved Hughes' dead, bleeding body to a field in Pennsylvania, hoping no one would find out. What Mansley did not think about was how secure the location was. In fact, when he dropped the dead body off at the middle of the night, no one was in sight. However, during the day the field is a hot spot for tourists and children especially during the winter. What a horrific thing to come across during a stoll in the field.

The pictures show Iron Giant around the dead body, along with other photos of Hogarth's mother, and Dean. I spoke to Iron Giant on why he was there, "After I left the team, I needed to get really far away. That was the place where I was headed. Actually I was headed into Philadelphia for a vacation and I drove by the field on the road and noticed a bunch of kids hanging around something in the field. I made my way over to find my replacement on the basketball court bleeding dead into the snow. The police and emergency unit were already on their way. I believe one paparazzi shooter caught me in the act of crying though I'm not sure. It was pretty emotional."

We have also heard the speculation that maybe Woody did have something to do with the murder by having the body moved. Well I have some news for you, that is a blatent lie and dramatic rumor. I have been able to get a sneak peak glance at Woody's book that will be releasing this summer, and his book does not tell lies, as he is pretty straight forward about everything. The book gives Woody an allaby that I will believe, and will never have any doubts against. All this is is another awful crime by Kent Mansley.

Click here for slideshow of the images.

The Plant Cells entered the 2012 baseball season hoping to bring home their first baseball championship. Let me spoil the ending, by saying they lived up to their hopes by defeating Series of Unfortunate Events 2 games to 1 for the championship. The following is some notes on the season.

The Plant Cells were able to win their first baseball championship defeating SOUE. The Plant Cells won the season series against SOUE 3 games to 1. This signifies that the Plant Cells have taken their past two championship wins against the Series of Unfortunate Events. Of course, their first was in the Old Orchard Football Season, and now in the baseball season.

Too Tall Grizzly dissapointed every member of Plant Cell nation. Many expected him to go out there and light it up, and connect on multiple jacks. However, he was only able to squander out one hit before finally being removed from the lineup, mid season, where he was placed on the injured reserve.

Edward Scissorhands and Woody stepped in in a big way for the "not himself" Too Tall. Edward Scissorhands posted an MVP type season. However, looking at the stats Woody was not far behind (if he wasn't ahead, because he might have been).

Woody lived up to his nickname "Mr. Postseason" connecting for 3 homers and 6 RBIs while batting .500. Not to mention, he also added a double and a triple to his postseason stats. Scissorhands posted one more homer in postseason play, but his average wasn't as good.

However, one of the biggest headlines to make this 2012 season of baseball was in the third game of the season. Two major things happened in this game against Hundred Acre Wood. First of all, this was the game where the Plant Cells were supposed to remember Captain and have a memorial celebration for him. Well, they did have a memorial celebration before the game, and was a real tear jerker as the Plant Cells placed his warm-up jersey in centerfield, while the players said a few words before the game commenced. However, the Plant Cells wound up losing the game 7-1, in an absolute disgraceful game. Not just was it disgraceful for the organization to be apart of such a humiliating loss, but it also disgraced Captain, on the day of his remembrance. It was supposed to be the game that the Cells play the best baseball ever to remember, and in fact they played the worst. Nice way to remember Captain.

The second major thing to occur in the game was the outstanding game by Hundred Acre Wood player, Kanga. Probably the most hated player by Plant Cell nation, Kanga lit up the Cell pitching staff. Tallying up all the RBIs on the night, Kanga pushed home seven runners. She received all the RBIs off 4 homers, including 2 solo blasts, a 2-run homer, and a 3-run homer. On the day for Captain, the Plant Cells let their most hated player light them up. Almost every single fan attending the game wished they had a gun to unleash a round right in Kanga's skull.

The final note on the season was the amazing way to end the regular season. Trailing 5-0 early to SOUE, with a neede win to make the playoffs, the Cells refused to give up and they fought their way back late in the game. Trailing by a run 5-4, with a runner on the base paths, Woody stepped looking to be a hero for the first time in New Jersey. With one swing of the bat, Cells fans watched the ball go over the left field wall and rejoiced as the Plant Cells walked off with the 6-5 victory.

It was an up and down season, with lopsided victories and tough losses, however, our dearly beloved Plant Cells won their first baseball championship, and we now have a championship in every sport, excluding the newly created hockey league.

Everyone is looking forward to the start of the 2012 baseball season for the Plant Cells as it will be the first sporting event seen in the Garden State since the short basketball season, that was cut short to bring on the Plant Cells movie's business. I know that I am so excited for the start of the baseball season because, lets be honest, its going to be great to give the movies a rest. PCP has declined significantly since their debut with TAOTTBTAES, and maybe this kind of break will help energize the production team to come back with a masterpiece.

But back to sports. Bob Buckner has released his predictions on the upcoming season, and my predictions will come up right now, though I am pushing the deadline a little bit.

Game 1: @ Hogwarts (W 3-1)
I'm going to have to agree with Bob Buckner here. I see the Plant Cells starting off their season with a bang, and I think Hogwarts gets rocked in the first inning, and shuts the Cells down for the rest of the day. I see the Plant Cells scoring 3 runs in the first and then managing only one hit the next two innings. However, the three runs is enough for the Cells as the Grinch only allows one run and the Cells win it 3-1. Look for a huge start of the season for Too Tall Grizzly, coming off a less than stellar Spring Training. He definitely manages to knock one out of the park in this one.

Game 2: @ Madagascar (W 7-0)
If there was one team to lose to a team that has never won a game before it would be the Plant Cells. We all remember the most embarrassing loss in franchise history coming to the Florida Evil Clowns last Old Orchard football season. However, the Plant Cells won't lose this one and I'm going to agree with Buckner as the Cells will win decisively. Final score 7-0. Look for every Plant Cell player to have a homerun, though I see Woody hitting two in this one, after last season's first game was erased when he had two runs.

Game 3: vs. Hundred Acre Wood (W 2-1)
You really got to be an idiot to think the Cells will lose this one. Not just is it HAW, a team the Cells really hate, but it will be the most emotional game of the season as before the game starts the Plant Cell organization will remember their late baseball player, Thomas "Captain" Jansen. Watch out for some comment by Kanga or some HAW fans as it might set off a serious brawl, though I really doubt that will happen. Hundred Acre Wood will play them hard, but the Cells will win the game off a walk off homerun by who other than Too Tall.

Game 4: @ Country Bears (W 3-0)
I see the Plant Cells winning their fourth game of the season in this one. It won't be an overwhelming win, though the player of the game will be Edward Scissorhands. Scissorhands will not get out once in the ball game, and he'll have a homerun to his name. Country Bears are usually a team we see in basketball so it will be interesting to see how they are in baseball. They won't have enough to take down the Cells and Garden State will go into the final game of the season, undefeated.

Game 5: vs. SOUE (L 4-0)
The Plant Cells won't be able to capitalize on the final game of the season, and their hopes of going undefeated will be shattered by SOUE who are looking to take revenge after the OOFS Championship loss. The Plant Cells will have their first game where they do not look good whatsoever. SOUE will dominate from start to finish and look for the Cells to manage maybe three hits, one from each person in this shut out loss.

The Plant Cells will have enough to make the playoffs but losing the last game of the season will hurt them in the long run. Look for the Cells to win the first series of the playoffs. However, they will not look the same as they did when they started the season. The Cells won't be able to win their first baseball championship and they will fall short in the semi finals.

By the way, I'm not sure if any of you remember this, but I believe Woody will be in amazing shape for the season, as last season he had a nagging knee injury that he has gotten over (knock on wood).

PLAYER PREDICTIONS:
Woody: 13-23 (.565 BA), 3 HR, 4 RBI, DP, 2 K
Edward Scissorhands: 14-23 (.609 BA), 3 HR, 2 2B, 4 RBI
Too Tall Grizzly: 14-22 (..636 BA), 5 HR, 2B, 7 RBI

The Grinch: 2-1, 3.00 ERA, 6 K
Draco Malfoy: 2-0, 0.00 ERA, 4 K
Severus Snape: 0-0, 1.50 ERA
Lord Voldemort: 0-0, 0.00 ERA, 2 K, 3 SV

LEAGUE PREDICTIONS:
MVP: Tigger (.723 BA, 6 HR, 11 RBI, 2 2B)
Cy Young: Draco Malfoy (2-0, 0.00 ERA, 4 K)

As you can see I agree completely with Bob Buckner's League Predictions, and the final stats of Lord Voldemort.

Most of you viewers have taken insult to the inconsistent updating of this site. Well, to make sure everyone is on the right track, I’ll go over what has occurred since Thanksgiving, and what will occur in the months to come.

Of course no real big sporting seasons have occurred since November, or whenever it was that the Plant Cells were eliminated from baseball postseason play. December was a month to lay back as a Plant Cell, with some Christmas parties during the month. December, in the eyes of Plant Cells, is the month to look over what you have accomplished the previous year and look ahead to what will be occurring during the next year. It signifies the party at Chipo’s and December the 26th, one of the greatest days in all the year. However, things took quite the turn at the end of the month, as the Plant Cell players took part in a hockey season, the first in team history.

The hockey season was started some time in December and finished on New Year’s Eve, and the puck was lost into the abyss of the winter night for months to come. Following the end of December, the Plant Cells looked ahead to some basketball seasons in the next couple of months. During January, the Plant Cells were to be focusing on a basketball season, and the season started and was finished after only 4 games. During the dinner break, the Plant Cells throughout ideas of fake things they would be doing. Some of these fake things turned into actual realities. One such reality was the movies aspect of the Plant Cells.

That night, the Plant Cells shot their first movie titled “The Assassination of Tiny Tim by the Asshole Ebeneezer Scrooge” which was a box office hit. The Cells were praised for their work on “TAOTTBTAES” and since then have focused primarily on movies and film business. Since January, the Cells have created 3 movies, “The McGlophoglophers: The Movie,” “The Outcasts,” and “The Mexican Railway.” Things have skyrocketed for the Plant Cells in the filming industry as they have 4 more movie on the way. (Check the movies website for more information).

Basketball was thrown aside for the year, and many new Cell things have emerged. This summer Cell fans can look forward to the release of Woody’s new book titled “Drink Responsibly? : The Woody Story” which should be a New York Times Bestseller in no time. Also fans can look forward to the release of the Plant Cells musical act W.E.P.T. and their debut album titled “Its an Honor.” There will be a link to the band’s site in the coming days. Players have already discussed song titles, and will be working on the lyrics during Easter (as well as shooting the Willy Wonka 2 movie).

During the summer fans can also look forward to some more baseball seasons, after last year’s early departure from the playoffs. And speaking of baseball, brings me to my next point… Captain.

It is well known already throughout Plant Cell nation that our beloved Plant Cell player, Thomas “Captain” Jansen passed away on April 8, 2009 after battling a coma for more than five months. The first home game of the baseball season will be honored to Captain, and will have a moment of silence to start the game, as well as having a few players say some words about Captain. Many of you viewers, are feeling left in the dark, and I would like to clarify a few things about Captain’s death. Around November, Captain was allowed to take part in boxing and the Plant Cell organization provided a significant amount of money to make sure this happened, as Captain was always respected by the Plant Cells, and the front office did not just want to kick him out onto the street. In his first match against Bear, from Bear in the Big Blue House he took an uppercut in the 4th round, and was taken to the hospital where he fell into a coma.

Some more things I would like to clarify; At one point during January or early February there was a headline on the website stating that the Plant Cells were focusing on movies, but I forgot to upload the website so the headline continued to read “Champions? No.” I’ve also been receiving flak for the non-editing of the website. However, there has not been much to update about, besides the movies. By the way, there was an article that was created about Captain’s coma that was put on the website back in November, and can now be found on the article archive page.

There are a few things in life that are certain. However, Plant Cell basketball seasons are not one of them. The team has its ups and downs, where their ups are championships and their downs are championship losses or seasons where they don’t even make the playoffs. But if you’re narrowing down to just the players, some, like things in life, are certain:

Too Tall Grizzly – He finished the 2011 season with 88 points. And I’m looking for pretty the same thing this go around. He is one of the most explosive players in the league. When he’s hot, watch out, because he’ll knock everything down. Then again when he’s cold, he’ll punch an innocent fan. Last year he had a down spell for about three games and he’ll most likely have one this year, but just not as long. I’m guessing starting the fifth game, he’ll have a two game skid, but he’ll bounce back after that. My prediction is he finishes with 92 points.

Edward Scissorhands – Edward, like colleague Bob Buckner said, goes on streaks. These good streaks are terrific, and he’ll be a team leader in points. Then again when he’s on a bad streak, he can be really down. This year, I’m looking at generally the same thing, but more of an explosion in good streaks. I’m also seeing a rise, in opposing team trying level. He’s going to be a motivational leader for the first time in his career as he see him having a great desire to win the championship. But I also see him falling into the trap of one of those phrases nearing the end of the year. My prediction is that he starts off the year down, but by the fifth game when Too Tall hits a slump, Edward will unleash for a 4 game double digit streak, and he’ll finish the year with a career best 84 points.

Woody – If there’s one player on this team that wants to win a championship more than anybody else, it’s Woody. He’s the only Plant Cell without a championship under his belt, and he was the only trying during the awful 2010 campaign, when the Cells didn’t even make the postseason. However, despite being a big motivator, he is overshadowed by the play of the other two perimeter shooters. Too Tall is an MVP, and Scissorhands is a money man. The two of them will take shots away from Woody, and when he gets an opportunity to shoot he’ll miss. I’m not seeing much more than what he did in previous years. My prediction: he finishes the year with the team’s third highest point total with 60 points.

Feet – Like I stated earlier in another article, he is one of the most underrated players in the league. Percentage wise, he leads the team in FG%, not just because he is a down low player with short shots, but because he really doesn’t miss anywhere. Down low and from the perimeter, wherever you need him he’ll make the shots. The Plant Cells perimeter shooters are going to miss shots, no team has ever made every shot, and that means that Feet will get an ample amount of shots for himself. I’m seeing more of the same, but a little better. My prediction: he finishes better than last year with 35 points.

I remember the time where the Plant Cells were in the championship against the Andy Griffiths and ended up losing because the team became distracted with things like "When we get there we'll say cheese" and other annoying yet comically amusing phrases. The following year, the Plant Cells won their first basketball championship. Since then, the team has gone down hill, with no signs of coming back to the surface.

Two years ago, the Plant Cells had one of the worst sports seasons in the team's franchise history. The team had no desire once the end of the year came around to even play, yet alone win a championship. The following year the Plant Cells had a little more fire, yet still fell short of a second championship with a semi-final loss to the Too Tall hated Bear Country team.

Now with the 2012 season almost upon us, something needs to be changed for the Garden State area to basque in another basketball championship. When I say change, I don't mean picking up free agents or trading away the starters to other organizations, I mean lighting a fire in this team, so they have the tenacity to win a championship.

Tenacity is a good word here. Tenacity, what does it mean? You don't need to know what it means to know that this basketball team does not have it anymore. Where is the team from 2009 that won the championship? I can't tell you, but I would sure like to see it again. This team will never win another championship if they don't have the heart to win. They may have the talent, which is a key aspect in winning a championship, but the second part is having the desire and motivation, and I don't see that anymore.

To win another championship the team needs to follow these 5 steps:

1. Tenacity, Desire, Motivation - The key right here to success. If you don't got it, you won't win. Simple as that.

2. Season Averages (Woody) - Woody needs to step it up during the regular season. He is considered "Mr. Postseason" but to get to the postseason you need to do well in the regular season. With an increae to the range of Too Tall and Edward, you have three people on the team averaging about 6.0-7.0 PPG, giving you enough points to win these games.

3. Too Tall - Too Tall has to keep up whatever he's doing. There are always those stretches where Woody is playing well, and the ball is taken out of the hands of Too Tall, and he gets a little down. But he always finishes as the highest scorer on the team. This team needs a star like that.

4. Feet - In my opinion one of the most underrated players in the entire Plant Cells organization. Not just is he one of the least fined down-low men in the league, but he is good at what he does. He shoots about 100% from the floor, and even when he is faced with a deep shot and the game on the line, he hits it, and that is what good team's need.

5. No negativism - There are always short spurts of negativism in these leagues, where the team is down on everything. When they're down they lose, and losing forces you down, so you'll just keep going down and down. If the team can keep away from these spurts and focus on the basketball ahead they will have success.

This article is about 3 months late, and I wrote it about a week after Old Orchard.

All the analysts have been talking about how the departure from Old Orchard has been the biggest depressant to ever take place on the face of the earth, but now I will discuss some of the important notes and facts that happened on the field this year that some people may not have taken a complete reaction to.

1. Woody played every game - Woody wasn't supposed to play every game, and at one point they said he would miss at least 3 games throughout the season. Well guess what, he didn't and played a very decent year, decent enough to win Angriest Player.

2. Too Tall, Black Unleash - In the third game of the year against HAW, the Plant Cells scored 56 points and Too Tall Grizzly went for 70 fantasy points (not the 68 that it says) while Sirius Black put up 77.

3. Woody doesn't live up to comments - In the game above, Woody said he would go for 300 yards and 3 TDs. He ended the game with 220 yds, and only 1 TD.

4. Zippo's - No one in the history of OOFS has ever recorded a zippo performance (0 receptions, 0 yds), and Woody had not just one but two zippo's during the year.

5. Edward defense let down - I predicted 11 INTs for Edward this year and he only got 3. Then again the whole defense let down again.

6. Edward changes laziness - Not at one point this year, did Edward lay down and roll over (like a sad dog) on defense this year. Congrats to him.

7. Negative performance - I said that no one had ever had a zippo performance before, and also no one had ever finished with negative fantasy points. However, Sirius changed that this year in the last game going 1/3 with an INT.

8. Feet, Binky don't play - I expected everyone to have at least one play this year, and the only back up WR to have some plays was Diego.

9. Grinch out plays Malfoy - Malfoy took over the Grinch's starting QB role two years ago, and this year Grinch played with fire straight out of jail finishing 7/10, 250 yds, and 2 TDs. Malfoy finished 8/14, 195 yds, 2 TDs, and an INT.

10. Andy Griffiths shock league - To me they were just a basketball team, and boy was I wrong. Finishing second in the league, and a first round bye, the Andy Griffiths have added to their reputation now as a football team.

11. Terrorists don't make playoffs - No one really takes notice to this, but the top ranked team going into this season didn't even make the playoffs, as they collapsed down the last stretch of the season.

12. Bob Buckner predicts beautifully - Bob Buckner's predictions going into this season were spot on as he predicted 8-4 and a championship win.

13. Hogwarts shut out - The Plant Cells shut out the Hogwarts team in the first game of the season, in a game where everyone had the Plant Cells losing.

14. Speaking of shut-outs - There was never a shut out in any other game in any other season before, and this year we saw a lot from SOUE and 3 in Plant Cell games

15. Mr. Postseason - Woody has got to be named "Mr. Postseason" for the Plant Cells as he turned himself around in the basketball playoffs, going from 4 PPG to 8 PPG. In football, he finished with the most TDs.

16. Too Tall Predicts Right - In his interview with me, Too Tall claimed "One word, championship" and he lived up to the prediction unlike the basketball claim, "domination" that went horribly wrong.

17. Edward Offensive Woes - I'm not trying to throw Edward under the bus, but this season was a bit of a downer for him. I predicted him to finish better than Woody, and he did not. He was like a T.J. Houshmandzadeh; he was inconsistent but when he had a good game, boy did he have a good game.

That's really all I got to say.

From the words of Plant Cells GM, Mr. Nebercracker:  In many ways the work of a critic is easy. We thrive of negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. However, in this circumstance nothing here will be negative as the 2008 Old Orchard Football Season lived up to, if not exceeded the expectations it had achieved prior to it’s start. The team came in to Old Orchard with one thing on their mind, a championship. And that’s exactly what they got beating the, at the time, undefeated Series of Unfortunate Events.

First off, I would like to agree with each and every point brought up in fellow colleague, Bob Buckner’s article, What Now? This year’s end to the Old Orchard weekend was by far the most emotional, and sad departure in the six year long tradition that’s been occurring on Columbus weekend. I could only drown out my sadness through a long and peaceful nap on the ride home. I can make it known that at this moment I am a man of constant sorrow, for a weekend that is one week old, and 35something days away.

What clicked in for me, a few days back, which hadn’t up to that point, was the fact that the Plant Cells won the championship for the first time in franchise history. The fact that this Garden State team won the prized trophy in all of the three sports they play in, didn’t set in as they won in Old Orchard because the fact that it was the last day, and school was around the corner. But last week, it did and all I could do was smile realizing this team is one step closer to championships in all three sports they play in.

Despite the win, the emotional burden that resulted in leaving Old Orchard has plagued me since the minute I left. Spending time in the Plant Cell clubhouse, and spending time with the players was the greatest joy for me, and I can’t wait to do it next year. The weekend was so great that some of the good memories, I can’t remember, because there were just too many of them, ranging from the larger things like Oh Brother Where Art Thou down to the small sign outside the Plant Cells clubhouse, that wasn’t really recognized frequently but still symbolized this 2008 Old Orchard experience.

Many great moments were achieved from this Plant Cells team on the football field where they had one of their best years, of course, winning the championship. However, other moments weren’t attached with the football aspect of the weekend. Many more terrific memories were achieved in the clubhouse, where the team recited lines from Oh Brother and Gone Baby Gone. The team also achieved the coveted 10-consecutive catch streak with throwing the Colorado Rockies ball off the fan. There was the slamming strums of the Big Rock Candy Mountain lyrics and guitar from Woody on the last day, to the air conditioner, going all night, and the players waking up in frigid cold.

There has never been an Old Orchard weekend quite as excellent as the one just experienced. And I don’t think there ever will. Even if these players find the most miscellaneous things to watch and to make fun of next year, nothing can top the lines, soundtracks, and moments that were comedic inside that Plant Cells clubhouse.

Bob Buckner nailed it when he said that everything else is just a one-day thing. And that’s what makes this Old Orchard season special, its more than one day. These players and analysts get to laugh and enjoy one of the best experiences they have throughout the entire year. It is the most anticipated Plant Cells gathering in all the year, surpassing December the 26th correct, Thanksgiving, and any other time they get together, and Easter where the players are so bored they go to see movies, like Reign Over Me.

Writing this article here has brought back that raw emotion the somewhat escaped me as I transitioned myself back into the school life, and everyday life. However, even though the rest are just one-day things there are other dates to look forward to:

1. The Plant Cells will look to win their first baseball championship on Thanksgiving if the game gathering is in West Boylston. If the meeting is in Framingham, look for another basketball season, as the Plant Cells look to redeem themselves after last season’s crushing loss to Bear Country in the semis.
   
   
2. To finish off the year, the Plant Cells will meet up in December twice, once for the party at Uncle Chipo’s and the other for the 26th party, which will be hosted in Framingham. At Chip’s the Plant Cells can look forward to destroying any soda hidden in the garage unless it’s the crap they had last time, where all eyes were on Too Tall to drink that grape shit. Then, on the 26th, if its snowing, there will be another football season, even though, like Bob Buckner stated, I don’t know how they will get a whole season in, maybe it’ll be a game or two. If not snowing, expect another basketball season.

With parting words, I would like to congratulate the 2008 Plant Cells team for the OOFS Championship, and apologize now to all those who stay contacted with this website everyday, as it won’t be updated that often, and there won’t be many new articles coming out. So everyone, take care, and good luck to the Plant Cells baseball team, as they try to fulfill their quest for their first championship.

The 2008 Old Orchard football season is going to start in two days!! I have been waiting a long time for this, and I’m sure the other analysts, and players have been anticipating this as well. It has been a chaotic, to say the least, offseason for the Plant Cells, which included a case for Woody, Edward receiving a fine, this Plant Cells website taking rise, Sirius Black making comments to Hogwarts, no Applebees for the players after their trip to Canobie, a new campus record on the log ride, recently, harsh comments from Kanga to Woody, and vice versa, the season almost being cancelled, a lot of injuries, and now a bike accident between two players.

The offseason has been hectic but the team is ready for the OOFS.

I will preview and analyze the Plant Cells’ first match up against Hogwarts, at Hogwarts. That is the only game I will be previewing today, but the others will come later.

The Hogwarts team is stacked with great players including WRs Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, and Ron Weasley. The team would be even more stacked last year when they had Remus Lupin as their QB, but as most of you know he is now the offensive coordinator for our Plant Cells. Leading their offensive this year is rookie Shamus Finnigan, which is good news for the Cells as he will be inexperienced. But still, Finnigan has played football before and he was great at it with the youth football league hosted by Hogwarts for first and second year students. Even though he may be inexperienced in this league, he will look like a veteran completing almost all of his passes.

One of the big concerns for the Cells will be holding down Albus Dumbledore, a 47 time all-star. He has great hands and I ranked him as my number 3 best WR in the league this year. Not just are his hands good, but he’s agile, and can get up the field in no time. If he gets one block, that’s all he needs to make a small play into a huge TD.

Harry Potter is ranked 5th on my WR power rankings, but I think he will covered well by the Plant Cell secondary. They will cover Dumbledore well too, but he will still find ways to make catches and make big plays. If the team focuses entirely on Dumbledore this game, which I think they might, Potter may be the star of the game.

Ron Weasley shouldn’t cause too much of a problem for the Plant Cell secondary, seeing as though he usually goes deep every play, and that is the one good thing this PC defense is good at. However, if the D gets lazy Weasly may be able to make a huge play somewhere in this game.

The Plant Cells will look solid in this game but they won’t walk out of it with a win. Playing in Hogwarts is almost impossible to win, because of the hardcore fans they have there. It was noted last year that during a playoff game at Hogwarts an earthquake occurred in France because of the noise, and rumbling of the incredible Hogwarts fans. Too Tall will look MVP-like in this one, while Edward snags of a few catches for good yardage. Woody, I don’t think, will be up to speed yet with the league to have a good game. And now he has cuts on his hand, and knee, to go along with that problem he had with it before. The best thing he could do all game would be to not get hurt. Plant Cells will lose 28-21.

With one week to go before the 2008 Old Orchard Football season, things are coming into place nicely. Then again some things aren’t coming together nicely.

Let me talk about the status of the starters for the Plant Cells:

Sirius Black (QB) – Sirius has been waiting for this moment for many, many years. He’s done his waiting and he has made that known to everyone. He will be throwing to some of the best wide receivers in the league, and that’s all he needs. He has also made it known that he is a little cocky. He made predictions for the first game of the season, saying that he would destroy Hogwarts or something like that. Then again you never you what he’s going to say because he spent many years in the Azkaban prison.

Too Tall Grizzly (WR) – What else can be said by the fact that it looks like he will be on his way for another MVP award even though none of the analysts predict that he will win it. He has Black’s eye and it looks like he will be his favorite target this year. The only reason he won’t win an MVP, or at least he’s not predicted to because of Oliver Wood. But Too Tall is healthy and he is ready to go. He will be the top receiver for the team this year, and hopefully he’ll be able to bring home a championship ring as well.

Edward Scissorhands (WR) – Scissorhands has been known for his lackluster defense and getting knocked out by fellow baseball teammates. But what he isn’t recognized for is his great hands, and he has some GREAT hands. He seems to always be hauling in the passes, and even though he doesn’t catch many touchdowns he is a great wide receiver. His defense can become lazy at times, but he leads the Plant Cells in interceptions and he’ll look to keep that up this year. However, it has come to my attention that Edward now has an injured ankle and has been moved to probable, but at least he’s not as bad as Woody.

The first of my massive analytical page will dissect the 2008 Plant Cells trip to Canobie Lake Park. The Cells were originally supposed to go on Saturday September 6th, but that was pushed off until the 27th because of a threat of rain. If you remember correctly, the 6th was when the Plant Cells were eliminated from the 2011 basketball playoffs by Bear Country. It was also when they were able to beat Madagascar, which isn’t a surprise seeing as though no one has ever loss to them in their entire franchise career. But back to the trip. It was once again delayed because of inclement weather from the 26th to the 27th. The 27th was rainy to start but ultimately died down when the team arrived at the park.

Many things occurred at Canobie, and one of the biggest surprises from the team was the consumption of zero, yea that’s right, zippo, hoodsie cups. The team finished their luncheon meal with thoughts of delectable Applebee’s meals on their minds following their departure from the park.

The team was able to go on many rides, much more than ever recorded from them in their career at Canobie. The lines were short, virtually nothing at all, because of the overcast sky to start the day (and the majority of the day). The following is the list of rides the team went on, and the number of times they went on those rides:

• The Boston Tea Party (2)
• The Caterpillar (1)
• The Dream (3)
• The Corkscrew (2)
• The Sky Ride (2)
• The Haunted Ride (1)
• The Pirate Ship (Takashita Piratas) (3)
• The Log Ride (16) –more from this later
• The Balloon Ride (1)
• The Ferris Wheel (2)

The Boston Tea Party – Record Broken: No
I’m not sure exactly what the record for the Boston Tea Party is, but it was definitely not broken this year by the Cells. They were able to stick in for 2 consecutive rides, but that’s it.
What Can be Taken from This: Nothing special. If anything, it was unanimously decided that riding the Tea Party was a big mistake as it left the players soaking wet and cold. Because of this Woody socks, under his boots were dripping wet when he returned to California, much more wet than any other Plant Cell.

The Caterpillar – Record Broken: No
The Plant Cells had to cover their faces aboard the Caterpillar this year, as the embarrassment toll was off the charts. Their was an older man completely staring at Malfoy and Woody as the ride was about to begin.
What Can be Taken from this: One word, embarrassing. The team was humiliated on this ride and the consensuses at the end was that it was a bad idea, and the ride was stupid.

The Dream – Record Broken: Tied
From what I am aware, the 3 times on the dream ties my record for most times on it in one year. The team was cracking jokes, and telling Harry Potter lines during the ride (“take that side”). Also this was where Too Tall’s agent had to shut down a caller for Too Tall as his schedule was busy.
What Can be taken from this: It may have tied a record but their was nothing special, except maybe that after the team realized that they would not be going to Applebee’s all they did was do the dead man pose as the ride went on.

The Corkscrew – Record Broken: Yes, Team Record
2 times doesn’t seem like a lot but it is the team record (I think). The ride gave the team a scare, on both attempts. Woody and Malfoy thought that they may have broken the ride on the first attempt. And the second attempt the team thought they were going to die.
What can be taken from this: Besides the fact that the team thought that they would die, all that can be taken from this that the team broke a record and had a fun time doing it, I guess.

The Sky Ride – Record Broken: No
What an awful experience!! There was no fun in the ride at all this year.
What can be taken from this: No fun, that’s what can be taken from this. No records, (not even close), and the ride was just a waste of 3 minutes, or however long it takes for the completion of the ride.

The Haunted Ride – Record Broken: Tied
It was a quick ride, nothing new about it. Nothing scary, just the same ride.
What can be taken from this: The team didn’t have enough time to read everything on the walls, which is a good thing, meaning the lines weren’t long. Morgan Freeman was rewarded for being a hardcore Plant Cells fan, as he was able to go on with the team. Also, we discovered that Too Tall is not a fan of bear fighting.

The Pirate Ship – Record Broken: No
They didn’t break a record on this one but they came close. The feeling of the ship getting too high and almost going over caught the team off guard this year.
What can be taken from this: The team suffered through another ride where thoughts off possible death ensued as the ship went way above the tire length. Also, their were some serious faggots on the team’s second ride. Also, the team continued their ridicule over the name, Takashita Piratas.

The Log Ride – Record Broken: Yes, Campus Record, Team Record, Canobie Record**
WOW!! The team destroyed their team record, but they didn’t reach the unreachable 30 mark. The Campus Record was broken (15), and Woody made himself look like a fool when he described it to the lady telling the people where to sit (like they didn’t know in the first place). The team record was also broken as the team got up to 16. Their will forever be controversy surrounding the Canobie record which the was not awarded but I think they should have as the guy at the top said the most consecutive was 25, but their was no proof ANYWHERE!!
What can be taken from this: Everything can. The team broke two record (in my book 3), and everything happened during the rides. The analysts came out from the back of the logs, and described the faggots the team saw, and if the team were faggots to anybody else. The analysts also brought forward the funniest scream ever, HEEHHH! Also, people decided it would be funny to spray the Plant Cells players as the traveled out of the tunnel, but they were Terrorists fans. Also the ride broke at one point because of belt malfunctions which infuriated Woody and the rest of the team.

The Balloon Ride – Record Broken: Who cares
Who cares, the ride was stupid.
What can be taken from this: All that can be taken was that the team did not want to spin their balloons.

The Ferris Wheel – Record Broken: Yes, team record
The ferris wheel is usually gone on once a year from the team, but this year was different. An extra trip on the ferris wheel just made this Canobie even more of an excitement.
What can be taken from this: Well this year there weren’t many spiders, and there weren’t many squeaks. The team didn’t talk much about chemistry like they were supposed to but they still broke a record so that’s all that matters.

Total Rides for the team: 33 (and yes that’s probably a team record as well)

Other noticeable facts from the trip: The new assistant coach was named in the Plant Cells organization as the Creep Spooky World Guy. Besides that the most noticeable and crushing fact was that the team was not awarded the Applebee’s like usual this year.

I was able to speak with Sheriff Woody after the trip and this is what transpired:

Chris Johnson: Woody, what was the biggest moment, and biggest disappointment on the day?

            Woody: Well, definitely the best moment was breaking the campus record on the Log ride. We all just put up the 1 and 5 fingers to symbolize the amazing feat we had accomplished. The worst moment, as all of you may know already was being denied Applebee’s. It’s a tradition, and that tradition was crushed. I had some strong words to say about to my teammates and the front office.

            Chris Johnson: What do you have to say to the people spraying you on the log ride?

            Woody: I’ll try to keep this as g-rated as possible, but f*ck them. We trying to enjoy our time at Canobie and those Terrorists fans tried everything in their power to f*ck it up. But in the end we won, we broke the record, even after they broke the ride those bastards.

            Chris Johnson: Anything else you’d like to say?

            Woody: Nope, thanks for the interview.

The whole Canobie experience had its ups and downs but what will be remembered most is the fact that the team broke the campus record on the Log ride, and the team was denied Applebee’s by the front office. But lets hope it can be remembered for the record not the crushing disappointment at the end of the day.